T IS FOR TINDER

     Tinder: a system for judging a potential partner solely by his/her physical appearance.  I've never participated in it myself, but from what I hear, sometimes it works and sometimes it really, really doesn't.  For a 16th century example of the latter, I give you the story of King Henry VIII's blink-and-you-missed-it marriage to his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves (whom I briefly mentioned in my B is for Bathrooms post - sorry, Anne.  I'm glad you never knew that history would remember you chiefly for your body odor).
     Unlike any of Henry's previous or subsequent wives, Anne didn't live in England, but in her native Germany, when he was considering her as a prospect.  In order to determine whether he would be attracted to her (or to her sister, another prospect), Henry sent Hans Holbein the Younger, the highly regarded portrait painter, to travel to the Duchy of Cleves, paint both of the women's portraits, and return to England so that Henry could decide if either of the sisters met his standards.  Here's the portrait of Anne which Holbein presented to the king:

     Despite the weird lifelessness of the painting, Henry apparently found Anne acceptable, and the marriage negotiations went forward.  At the urging of Thomas Cromwell, who thought the match would create a good strategic alliance, a marriage treaty was signed in October 1539.
     When Anne herself arrived in England in January of 1540, however, Henry was considerably less pleased with the real-life version than he had been with the portrait, and famously described her as a "fat Flanders mare."  (I believe the word we're looking for here is "gallant.")  After her formal reception, he was heard to gripe, "She is nothing so fair as she hath been reported."  But by then the marriage was a done deal; Henry couldn't back out without infuriating Germany.
     The wedding took place on January 6th.  The next day, Henry reported to Cromwell that they hadn't had sex, because "I liked her before not well, but now I like her much worse."  His publicly-voiced objections included both her body odor and her sagging breasts.  Things between them did not improve, and on June 24th Anne was commanded to leave the court.  Soon after that she was asked to consent to an annulment, and she agreed.  The marriage was annulled on July 9th, just six months after it had begun.
     On July 28th, two important events occurred: Henry married Wife #5,  Catherine Howard (this one didn't end well either - for the wife, that is), and Thomas Cromwell, who had engineered the marriage to Anne, was executed for treason - because how could he not have known that Henry wouldn't want to sleep with her?
     Fortunately for Anne, Henry chose Cromwell, not her, as a scapegoat for his "need" to seek an annulment.  She made a smart move when she took the deal.  Henry provided her with a generous settlement, including several royal palaces, and until his death he treated her as an honorary member of the royal family, referred to as "the King's beloved sister."  She was often invited to court to play cards, a favorite pastime of hers.  Apparently either someone had told her about the 16th-century equivalent of deodorant, or Henry wasn't bothered by the way she smelled from across a card table.  And she certainly dressed well.

     I find it satisfying that Anne had the last laugh.  She outlived both Henry and his sickly son and heir Edward, who in 1547 became regent at age 9 after Henry's death and died himself at the age of 15.  When Mary then took over the throne, Anne participated in her coronation ceremony. 
     Anne never returned to Germany.  Her remaining life wasn't long - she died, probably of cancer, shortly before turning 42 - but it was comfortable and peaceful, and it seems fair to assume that it would have been a whole lot shorter if she hadn't gone along with the annulment.  She was the last of Henry's six wives to die, and the only one to be buried at Westminster Abbey.

 

     That epitaph raises an interesting question: if the marriage was annulled, doesn't that mean that - retroactively speaking - she was never Queen of England in the first place?  Not that I begrudge her anything, in her life or her death.  If you ask me, she deserved a medal for putting up with Henry's insufferable crap.

     Please note: none of this happy-ending stuff should be interpreted as an endorsement of Tinder.  Play at your own risk.