T IS FOR TECHNOLOGY - NOT!!!

     Yes, I KNOW that "technology" does begin with the letter T.  The "not" refers to the fact that technology is so, so NOT one of my favorite things.  See what I did there?
     I loathe and fear technology in more-or-less equal measure.  And now, since I voluntarily opened this can of worms, I guess I have no choice but list some of the many, many technological tasks I do not know how to perform.  Will this make you happy?
     I cannot:

1. Download music.
2. Use a Kindle.
3. Use a scanner.
4. Use 3/4 of the gadgets on my laptop.
5. Use 90% of the gadgets on my cellphone.
6. Skype.
7. Do anything at all with a gif.
8. Record anything on TV.
9. Use Photoshop.
10. Create a digital chart.
11. Put a phone call on hold.
12. (and perhaps the saddest one of all)  Turn on the TV in my living room.

     You ask - I can hear you - How the hell can I not know how to turn on the TV in my living room?  And I answer: It's not just a regular TV.  It's an HDTV.  So turning it on is not just a matter of pushing the power button; if it were only that, I'm fairly certain I could manage.  No, there are several buttons that must be pushed in succession, and that's the part I can't get the hang of.
     It's possible (though, I think, unlikely) that I could learn to do some of the things listed above, if I weren't so terrified of technology.  But the fact is that I believe that the entire universe of technology is out to get me, for some perverse reason of its own.  The injustice of this stings.  After all, I may have never done anything to advance technology, but it's not like I've ever held it back, have I?  I'm hardly a saboteur (because you can't sabotage things without first knowing how they work).  I'm not some Luddite, going around smashing computers with a hammer, for heaven's sake. (And yes, I do know how hammers work, thanks.)  I've always been content to live and let live.  But it seems like technology won't leave me alone.  It attacks me on a daily basis, using my children, my friends, my co-workers as proxies.  They say things to me like, "It's so easy!  All you have to do is...,"  and ""You really don't know how to...?", and the falsely sympathetic, "You would find things so much easier if you just learned to..."  They're not fooling me one bit.  They are minions of Technology, the dark overlord, and they will not rest until I am curled up in a quivering ball under a table, clutching a clay tablet and a stylus.
     Yes, T is for technology.  But it's also for technophobia, which is my neighborhood.  Come on in and visit!  Just leave all your electronic devices at the door.