Saturday, April 23, 2016

T IS FOR TINDER

     Tinder: a system for judging a potential partner solely by his/her physical appearance.  I've never participated in it myself, but from what I hear, sometimes it works and sometimes it really, really doesn't.  For a 16th century example of the latter, I give you the story of King Henry VIII's blink-and-you-missed-it marriage to his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves (whom I briefly mentioned in my B is for Bathrooms post - sorry, Anne.  I'm glad you never knew that history would remember you chiefly for your body odor).
     Unlike any of Henry's previous or subsequent wives, Anne didn't live in England, but in her native Germany, when he was considering her as a prospect.  In order to determine whether he would be attracted to her (or to her sister, another prospect), Henry sent Hans Holbein the Younger, the highly regarded portrait painter, to travel to the Duchy of Cleves, paint both of the women's portraits, and return to England so that Henry could decide if either of the sisters met his standards.  Here's the portrait of Anne which Holbein presented to the king:


     Despite the weird lifelessness of the painting, Henry apparently found Anne acceptable, and the marriage negotiations went forward.  At the urging of Thomas Cromwell, who thought the match would create a good strategic alliance, a marriage treaty was signed in October 1539.
     When Anne herself arrived in England in January of 1540, however, Henry was considerably less pleased with the real-life version than he had been with the portrait, and famously described her as a "fat Flanders mare."  (I believe the word we're looking for here is "gallant.")  After her formal reception, he was heard to gripe, "She is nothing so fair as she hath been reported."  But by then the marriage was a done deal; Henry couldn't back out without infuriating Germany.
     The wedding took place on January 6th.  The next day, Henry reported to Cromwell that they hadn't had sex, because "I liked her before not well, but now I like her much worse."  His publicly-voiced objections included both her body odor and her sagging breasts.  Things between them did not improve, and on June 24th Anne was commanded to leave the court.  Soon after that she was asked to consent to an annulment, and she agreed.  The marriage was annulled on July 9th, just six months after it had begun.
     On July 28th, two important events occurred: Henry married Wife #5,  Catherine Howard (this one didn't end well either - for the wife, that is), and Thomas Cromwell, who had engineered the marriage to Anne, was executed for treason - because how could he not have known that Henry wouldn't want to sleep with her?
     Fortunately for Anne, Henry chose Cromwell, not her, as a scapegoat for his "need" to seek an annulment.  She made a smart move when she took the deal.  Henry provided her with a generous settlement, including several royal palaces, and until his death he treated her as an honorary member of the royal family, referred to as "the King's beloved sister."  She was often invited to court to play cards, a favorite pastime of hers.  Apparently either someone had told her about the 16th-century equivalent of deodorant, or Henry wasn't bothered by the way she smelled from across a card table.  And she certainly dressed well.



     I find it satisfying that Anne had the last laugh.  She outlived both Henry and his sickly son and heir Edward, who in 1547 became regent at age 9 after Henry's death and died himself at the age of 15.  When Mary then took over the throne, Anne participated in her coronation ceremony. 
     Anne never returned to Germany.  Her remaining life wasn't long - she died, probably of cancer, shortly before turning 42 - but it was comfortable and peaceful, and it seems fair to assume that it would have been a whole lot shorter if she hadn't gone along with the annulment.  She was the last of Henry's six wives to die, and the only one to be buried at Westminster Abbey.

 
     That epitaph raises an interesting question: if the marriage was annulled, doesn't that mean that - retroactively speaking - she was never Queen of England in the first place?  Not that I begrudge her anything, in her life or her death.  If you ask me, she deserved a medal for putting up with Henry's insufferable crap.
     Please note: none of this happy-ending stuff should be interpreted as an endorsement of Tinder.  Play at your own risk.

32 comments:

  1. Enjoyed reading these facts that certainly weren't in my school history book... ~Liz http://www.lizbrownleepoet.com

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    1. They definitely weren't in my school history books either, Liz! But aren't they more fun?

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  2. Did Henry manage to consummate his marriages subsequent to the one with Jane Seymour? Did he blame Anne of Cleves for his own failings? None of his three wives after Jane produced any children with Henry. Catherine Parr went on to remarry and had a child after Henry's death. He is a colourful character is Henry Tudor!

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    1. well, he may or may not have, but he didn't try to divorce either of the last two (#5 was beheaded, #6 outlived him), so we'll never know, will we?

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  3. I always thought Anne was too good for Henry, given the way she still honored him after all his barefaced insults. This was a nice re-telling, Susan! :)

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    1. She definitely acted a lot classier than he did in this situation! Thanks, Colin.

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  4. A very hilarious account of of the British history - almost tempts me to actually go through it. I do like your style of writing and sense of humor :)

    @mysilverstreaks from
    Storiesandmore

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    1. Thanks so much, Dahlia! But I'm guessing none of this was very funny to Anne at the time!

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  5. You had me giggling from the first line—and, at the "gallant" bit, I laughed out loud :D Henry VIII's love (well, "love") life is morbidly fascinating, isn't it? And I love how the see-saw of religion played a role in all of it, too. Poor Thomas, though... I've always harbored special sympathy for him. (Yes, even before Hilary Mantel's brilliant novels... Avidly munching on fingernails as I wait for #3...)

    Love your posts. Love your blog. Love your visits over at Life In Dogs. And I love love love Leo!!! ;)

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    1. Guilie: I loved Wolf Hall but, believe it or not, haven't yet read the sequel, and didn't even know that there was a #3 in the works! So you're a secret historian and you've never even let on! I love your blog too, and we picked up Leo on Sunday (he's a shelter dog) and he's really adorable. Very tiny and very solemn.

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  6. Oh dear, how awful, but she did get something out of it besides her head. Still. Love this, now I have to go back and read all the history. I love history! :)

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    1. The Tudors were a wild ride indeed, Yolanda. I started reading about them when I was a teenager. I found them fascinating, unlike any of the history I was learning about in school!

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  7. You'd think, with the track record Henry had, no woman would want to marry him. It would seem the allure of Queen is pretty strong, despite the whole looming death thing.

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    1. That has definitely occurred to me too, Jean! It's kind of like the Sheherezade story. So if the emperor has all his wives killed the morning after the wedding night, who are all these women who go ahead and marry him anyway??

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  8. Well, this is a very intersting story. I wonder whether there is a story behind the story, all thing considered. Sounds kind of strange to me that Henry couldn't stand his wife more than a few months, but then he continue frequenting her in a friendly manner.
    Kind of weird, i fyou ask me.

    @JazzFeathers
    The Old Shelter - Jazz Age Jazz

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    1. Well, Sarah, it does seem that he was predisposed to not like her, but who knows why? Maybe he was already feeling resentful that Cromwell had pushed him into this marriage against his will.

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  9. Henry VIII was truly a fascinating character, as tinder, its a practice still followed in some societies

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    1. Really? Marrying someone based only on their photograph is still a thing? Where does this happen?

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  10. Love all your research, Susan!

    Happy A to Zing....

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    1. Thank you, Yvonne! I miss you! Have been really remiss about leaving comments on other people's blogs this year because I'm barely keeping my head above water with my own. Still haven't finished today's!! Thanks so much for your visit.

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  11. This is a clever connection: Tender to Anne of Cleves.

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    1. Thank you, Glenda! This one was kind of a no-brainer for me. That Anne of Cleves story has always stuck with me.

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  12. Haha! The first picture came through completely blank. I'm sure it's something on my end, but it made the story even funnier!

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    1. I think Henry might have been a tiny bit suspicious if Holbein had come back with a blank canvas, Stephanie!

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  13. I'm currently reading Wolf Hall. My knowledge of this era is spotty, so it's nice to have a refresher (and what a great refresher this book is!). Anne's story would make a great thriller plot, considering she was lucky enough to escape with her head. Henry had already proven how far he was willing to go to rid himself of an unsatisfactory spouse. She sounds like a smart cookie.

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    1. Lissa: I wonder how much she was actually told about Henry's prior marriages before she was shipped off to England. I'm guessing it wasn't much. She was just a chess piece in the alliance game. Luckily for her, she quickly learned how to play the game herself.

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  14. What a story! I don't think that portrait is too awful, but what a thing to use to decide whether or not to marry--craziness.

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    1. I don't think Tinder makes a ton of sense either, Tamara, but what do I know? I have one foot in the 16th century, most of the other foot in the 20th, and maybe one toe in the 21st!

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  15. I think perhaps a more appropriate use of tinder regarding Henry would have been to light it under him with an utterance of good riddance. :-)

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    1. Good idea, Deborah! If only it weren't 550 years too late! The man was truly a horse's ass.

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  16. i like how you compared Tinder to Henry the 8th's superficiality, what a pig! great article! and a fun theme! way to go with the challenge.

    The Really Real Housewives

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  17. Thanks, Tara! I've had a great time with the Challenge up to now, but here in the last lap I'm starting to go under. Just finished my V post at 10:30 p.m. I have my W post ready, but for after that, I got nothin!

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